Retarded

As much as I hate to write about my career. It is on my mind tonight. Spending the first 12 years of my adult life doing manual labor has had an effect on my confidence. Not that there is anything wrong with hard work. Simple, no-brainer, stand out in the hot sun and do something that sucks. It humbles you. Puts your feet on the ground. I never really appreciated having my feet on the ground until I became a programmer. The IT business is full of assholes. More than it's alloted share perhaps. I have struggled through technical school. I have struggled through 10 years of elitist assholes trying belittle me with their superior intellects. I still struggle. Today for instance. I am working along pretty good. Making some progress, but by the end of the day I am lost and dreading the next morning. Why, you may ask? Sounds like no big deal. I will tell you why. I might have to talk to somebody and that somebody is the architect of the project...P. Now P, on a surface level can be a nice guy. He is constantly leaving exotic snack foods and trinkets on my desk. He can even be warm and funny if given a little space. However, when it comes to programming, he wears his knowledge like a chip on his shoulder. I can't figure out if he was abused or just feels that the whole word is nothing but a pain in the ass. Tomorrow I will have to sidle up to him, ask him a question about some shit he could have done in a few hours, and watch the frustration build behind his thin friendly mask. He will probably work in a few jabs like "sounds like this should be pretty straightforward and easy", and "I'll go ahead and knock this out for you." I really just fucking hate it. It takes me three days to his three hours. It is because of him, my current project is as far along as it is. I guess I should be grateful. And I am...but I just fucking hate it too. I can not compete with him and I have given up trying. I can't pump out the code in vast garbage can sized heaps. The whole situation makes me feel inadequate and not valued. I show up everyday with a smile and my big car and try to be as nice to everyone as is humanly fucking possible. I try to warm the place up a bit. Just like the sun, I am ignored most of the time, but when it is gone...things can get a little chilly. Sometimes I feel like I am fucking retarded.