See you in Nirvana

Man oh man was she cute. She was the tiniest little thing; if she had been five foot it would have been because the ruler had been exaggerating. She worked in the camera department at Richway (known nowadays as Target). She had blonde hair and blue eyes and looked like a baby faced Marcia Brady. My friend Greg dated her for just a minute and I envied the hell out of him.

“She is wild” my friend told me with a wink.
“No way, not her, she looks so innocent”, I said in disbelief.
“One night at the river park she got down in the floorboard of my car and tried to drain me of all my vital fluids” he said in a boastful manner.
“Yeah right, and then you woke up” I added.
“Okay, don’t believe me; I was as surprised as you are”

I worked for the security company that Richway had hired to monitor and lock up the place. I was only part-time which meant that I was scheduled for the hours that the full time employees did not want. Many Friday and Saturday nights I found myself locking doors and many Sunday mornings I did the opposite. It was during one of these chump shifts that I found myself flirting with said camera department girl as she swept and restocked her area.

“Hi, my name is Melissa I have seen you talking to Greg.”
“My name is GS3, I work security here.”
“Everyone thinks you are a shoplifter.”
“Yeah, the security people don’t want the people here to know who I am.”
“Would you walk me out to my car after the store closes?” she asked like she was actually concerned for her safety.
“Sure, I would love to” my pants struggling to restrain my enthusiasm.

Later that night when the store was closed, we leaned on her little car in the dark of the parking lot and talked about things we liked.

“Wow, I never met a girl that liked Monty Python”
“Yeah, have you seen the Life of Brian?”
“No, not yet I have been meaning to rent it from the video store”
“It is my fav”
“Hey do you like the Beatles?”
“I LOVE THE BEATLES!” she exclaimed like a true fan.
“Do you have any of Paul’s solo stuff?”
“Nah, I like George”
“Wow, you are incredible” I said before I fell into a love-sick dreamy la-la state.

We spent the next thirty minutes kissing while Elton John played on her car stereo.

“Benny, Benny, Benny, Benny and the jetssssssssssssssssssssssssss”, Elton lamented over and over again.

Somehow I managed to be lucky enough to share a shift or two with Melissa and we were able to sneak a few kisses in lonely forgotten aisles. One hot summer day, I grabbed her and my buddies and we all crammed into my 1973 Camaro and set out to explore Marietta. She always made me feel so silly. My lack of attention caused us to get into a minor auto accident in which I ended up chasing my hub cap down a congested street. Despite the heat and my goofy in-love behavior, to me the day was pure fucking magic.

As the summer got long in the tooth, my work at Richway became less frequent. The full-time employees were taking more of the schedule and new people had been hired. I put in my two weeks notice and hoped like hell I would have one more night with Melissa. I got my wish…and then some. As I wandered through the store securing doors and setting alarms, Melissa pulled me aside. She said that she was going to a party but would like to stop by my house later. Not only was her suggestion more than fine with me but my parents were not in town. They had gone to the mountains to visit some friends. “God damn it, there is a God”, I thought.

I finished my work at Richway, running from door to door anxious for my late night date to begin. I was in such a hurry that on the way home I ran a red light and an old lady in a station wagon slammed into the side of my Camaro, knocking my muffler out of its socket. I did not even stop. I rode home in a vehicle that sounded like a Harley. I watched the old lady’s shocked face as I hauled ass into the night.

Once home I quickly cleaned up and waiting for her on pins and needles. I ended up falling asleep on my mom’s fat overstuffed couch and did not awake until I heard the well anticipated knock. When I opened the door, Melissa was standing there drenched in water from head to toe. She said that she had fallen into a swimming pool and when she kissed me, she tasted like rum and coke.

“Do you have anything I can wear?” she slurred.
“Sure” I said and gave her my new baby blue Mickey Mouse t-shirt (my favorite).

She took off all her clothes right there in the hallway while I had a heart attack. Things were looking up for old GS3. I put in a laser disk and sat with her against those big fat pillows. The pretense of movie watching was soon discarded and soon we were knee deep in teenage lip lock….but she wanted more. My dolphin shorts were being tugged toward the floor and her head was heading south. The situation was escalating far beyond my expectations and I was elated…until a thought popped in my mind. “What if my parents come home?” There mere word parent in my brain caused an undesired reaction in another part of my body.

“What’s wrong G” she asked as if she had never encountered such a thing”
“I don’t know, that never happens”
“Let’s go to your bedroom, you will be more comfortable”

After a few more attempts were made at raising the dead, we lay and talk and cuddle in my little single bed. Her kindness was beginning to relax me and things were looking up down there. I had just begun my ascension when I hear my mother’s voice.

“Doodle, open the god damn door!”
“Dear god in heaven I know I did not hear my mother calling me” I thought to myself.
“Doodle I said open the god damn door, what are you locking the fucking door for anyway?”

It was her.

“Shit!”
“Holy Fuck!”
“God damn it”
“I am so screwed!” (and not in the good way I thought).
“FUCK”, I said again just for emphasis.

My whole world began to spiral behind me like the opening sequence of The Twilight Zone. I quickly shoved Melissa into my closet and answered the front door feigning a sleepy-head.

“Ya’ll were suppose to be back until tomorrow”
“Now I can’t sleep, I am going to watch T.V.”

“Shit”, I thought. I have a tiny girl shoved in my bedroom closet. “How in the fuck am I going to get her out?” I tried to calm my brain while I cooked up a plan. Then it came to me: wait until my parents were asleep and then get her out of the house. I went into my room and whispered my plan to Melissa. She did not seem to be half as scared as I was, this situation must have not been new to her. After a couple hours I heard my stepfather begin to snore and used the opportunity to rush Melissa out the door. I grabbed my car keys and had just shut the big squeaky front door when I realized that I could not drive her home: I had no muffler. If I started my car it would sound like Nazi’s over London. “Think, think, think, you asshole” I berated myself. My friend Mike, he would help me. He was the only person that I could call for this sorta mission. He would not be happy about it though.

“Mike it is Gordon”
“What in the fuck are you doing calling me this late?” he asked all groggy and grumpy.
“I need your help…no questions. Bring your car to the bottom of my driveway and wait. I have someone for you to take home.”
“Who is it?”
“A girl”
“I am on my way buddy.”

Ten minutes later Mike was waiting at the end of my driveway and Melissa was sitting in the passenger seat. This would have been the end of the story except for two things: she left her purse and clothes in the laundry room. Long story short I had to spend thirty more minutes opening that squeaky bastard of a door before I could give Melissa her things. As I watched Mike and Melissa pull off I could not help but laugh at myself. I could not believe that I actually pulled it off. “What a fucking night” I thought to myself as I lay in bed and stare at the ceiling.

The next morning I got up early, purchased flowers and a card and found myself knocking on Melissa’s door.

“I am so sorry Melissa, everything was such a disaster.”
“I was mad at you at first, but now it is sorta funny to me.”
“It is not funny to me”, I said lamenting at all I had put her through that evening: impotence then being shoved in a closet for two hours and shuffled off like an illegal alien in the middle of the night.”
“Can I make it up to you Melissa? Give me one more chance”.
She smiled softly, took the flowers and said “I’ll see you in Nirvana” and went back into the house.

I guess sometimes you only get one chance to get a hard on.