When GS3 Met RButler

AN OBSERVATION

One of the stupidest trades ever conducted on this planet (or more than likely any other) was when James left Pam. I witnessed the transaction first hand one late spring afternoon while I sat at the senior lunch table. The numbers one, nine, eight and two were crudely cut out of crepe paper and scotch taped to the wall. The one and nine were torn and were waving with the occasional blast of air conditioning. I was technically not a senior myself, and generally such an intrusion by an under classman into a senior area was frowned upon, but since I was considered harmless and mildly entertaining I was waved in by a couple of my elders. As I sat and worked my way through the Milton High School cafeteria's version of a pizza slice, I noticed a nervous chattering of energy down at one end of the table. For a moment I could not determine the source of the commotion, but then the fog lifted and all was made clear to me. James H was sitting with Kris B instead of Pam A.

"What the hell was he thinking?"
"Pam has this lunch period too, she will certainly see him."
"Surely he does not mean to dump Pam for Kris!"

My mind whirred at the possibilities. I dumped an extra packet of Italian dressing on my tiny iceberg and shredded carrot salad and prepared myself for the ugliness unfolding in front of me. It was not long before I forgot all about the upcoming confrontation and was lost in the multitude of conversations floating around the lunch area.

"This weekend John is going to get his dad’s chainsaw and go cut down the devil tree"
"Let's meet at Mama's Kitchen, get some pizza and then go to the Twilight Zone."
"Mike knows someone that will buy us beer, Cory's parents are out of town, and we can get the band together and have a party."
"There is going to be fight behind the bowling alley."

Before I could put together an itinerary for the weekend, it happened. Pam was standing directly in front of James with a look of total surprise and heartbreak on her face. "YOU BASTARD" she yelled, right in front of a fat football coach, and rushed out of the room in a tearful dramatic exit. As if sensing his cue, James too in turn burst into tears and bowed his head into the less than ample bosom of his new mustachioed gal pal. The entire scene played out in less than fifteen seconds. I watched the whole thing with my mouth open and a carton of half frozen orange juice in my hand. "FUCK, James dumped Pam" "What a dumbass", I thought to myself as I got up from the table and emptied my tray into the bin. Then a wonderful thought occurred to me, "I wonder if she would go out with me?" The possibility was enough to keep me smiling for the rest of the day. Little did I know that my first meeting with rbutler was just around the corner.

SOME BACKGROUND NOTES:

Once, I had the great misfortune to have been forced to kiss Kris during a game of spin the bottle. Perhaps I was just put off because her moustache was so much better developed than mine or that she had hair in her pits and I didn't. Whatever the reason, I remember thinking that I was lucky to get away with only a dry, thin-lipped peck. Now mind you that this was a small price to pay because the same bottle that pointed my fate towards Kris later redirected my lips towards Pam. As awkward as I felt goober-lipping Pam in front of her then man James, I was no fool and embraced her in an awkward overly moist smooch that probabley left her wondering if I was retarded.

The good readers of the pink pony diaries, with the exception of one rbutler, have no sense of the magnitude of the story that I have just told you. Leaving Pam A for Kris B could be compared to leaving Bridget Bardot for Walter Cronkite. Sure Walter has a nice personality but will he dress up like a schoolgirl and beg you for anal sex (let's hope not).