Sisters-in-law Act 4 Scenes 3-7

Please leave me alone!!! I can't get any peace and quiet, no privacy.

To catch you up on where we stand, I had both sisters-in-law come stay for a few weeks, with their time here overlapping for several days. One is an evil-fat-ass, the other is a work-a-holic. Both are busy-bodies, neither are your ideal companions for the evening.

So tonight, as I try and spend a few quiet moments alone with my daughter, the evil-fat-ass is droning on, I'm not sure about what, but I'm sure it involves whatever the hell just popped into her head. I just want her to stop talking. She talks during any t.v. show you're watching, she talks when you're reading, she talks when you're on the phone with someone else, she talks when you're trying to talk to your wife or daughter, she talks when you're eating, she talks when SHE's eating...on and on and on....

The evil-fat-ass has a habit of always thinking she's right on every subject. She can't admit she's wrong. Now I know we all hate to admit that, but if you saw her in action you'd be impressed by her complete inability to just drop something.

Example:
She's trying to suggest a name for our soon-to-be-baby:
Evil-fat-ass: "How about Duncan?"
Me: "Donuts."
efa: "Everyone says that! That bugs me. You don't HAVE to think of donuts every time you hear Duncan."
me: "But I DID think of it. Other people will think of it. He'll be called 'duncan donuts' his whole life."
efa: "Well but that's just something he'll have to get used to. You can't pick your own name. You just have to live with what you've got....that's your lot in life..."

Now I'll give you an example to let you know the kind of lonely-never-gonna-have-a-friend-person she is:
She goes to visit her other sister in Ohio. She's introduced to some of their friends who live down the street. The next day she goes out for a walk, and stops by their house unannounced to spend some time with them. They are a bit surprised since they only just met her, and it's a Saturday and they're busy with their kids. She secures their email address and when she gets back home proceeds to email them. She's saddened that they don't respond.

Now before you feel sorry for this lonely-sad-sack, remember, she is who she is, and she spent years cultivating the kind of personality that keeps her alone her whole life. She can't hold down a job because she alienates all humans. She can't have a relationship because she alienates all humans. Her own relatives dread her visits because she alienates all humans.

Another fun example:
I made the mistake once of mentioning that a guy was going to be delivering some mulch, and that he's a nice guy and stays in shape by doing this on the side, his regular job is a fireman. After realizing my blunder I stressed that he's happily married. This made no difference...she quickly showered and got ready, and as soon as he pulled into the driveway and I started walking out to meet him, she knocked me down in a fury to rush out and "present" herself to him. She talked his ear off as he shoveled mulch onto my driveway, and was no doubt stunned when he left without proposing. After all, who could resist someone who knows all the original star trek episodes, and will condescendingly correct you on any of your own thoughts you interject to be part of the conversation. You see, it's not about a two-way conversation, it's about her talking....talking AND showing that she knows everything.

This evening, for some reason she was letting Katelyn play in a basket of dirty laundry. When I walked up she asked if these were dirty clothes and I said "yes". Then she holds up a pair of socks that are folded together and asks why they are folded together if they are dirty. I reply that I don't know, and her smart-ass-mo$#!*-f*$#*!&-s#$%*%*e response is "well you LIVE here".

I know I would not see my daughter for a long time if I were to murder her, so for that reason I restrain myself somewhat. I storm away, punching something as I make my way into the garage to rip out for a spell. My wife comes out and asks what's going on. When I tell her, she's less than sympathetic.

I don't like being the in the same room with e.f.a., and I try and find a place to spend some quiet time...I end up sitting in my car listening to the cd player, hoping they don't find me. Well they did. As I'm sipping a beer (I'd given up beer for a long time but she drove me back to it) and restfully listening to the cd, the garage door opens and the entire household is standing there wanting to know what I'm doing and every detail there is to know about me and what I'm listening to and why I'm in the garage and blah blah blah...

More later....she keeps coming in here wanting to know what I'm typing. Probably wants to correct my grammar.